for now .

so yesterday ; she apologized for hurting me .
yes ; dhet's wht i wanted but shxt still doesnt feel right . maybe i'm jzt being stingy , but eh . now we're back on this " let's start over " again . this is the third time in counting .

eh , for now . it's good , we're friends & all - no true emotions are intact for her on my behalf , jzt that of a friend for the best , i wonder the outcome on this .

*ps : this is a somewhat continuing from a former blog labeled " & then wht " .


preferences .

first & far most , i usually don't associate w. guys longer then 10 minutes ; phone wise , face to face wise , etc .

but unfortunately , that changed yesterday . i was having this conversation with this guy, jzt bechus he's madd cool and wht not . i mean , & it wasn't like one of those " man he's bugging me " type conversations, he is madd intelligent so it was pretty interesting . to the main point here tho, like we started discussing females & their preference mainly . most females , i did say most think the ideal type is the light - skinned , long haired , name brand wearing type , like the ones who are jzt the epitome of " sexy " , guys & " studs " since i'm including homosexual & bisexual women preference mostly too . so like, it got to that & the topic of most " gorgeous " women wouldn't give the one's outside of that " ideal person " the time of day . so like the guy & i are cuties , not like sexy and so on but we have personalities to die for , not all name brand shxt but not cheap shxt neither, but most girls would kind of look over us bechus the simple fact of we're not tip top " sexy " . i mean , we can pull those females , but only like after they've talked to us some & fell for our personality outside of their generalized looks .

this was random , but it " faced " my point . looks shouldn't dominate , although of course it still should be considered . like i wouldn't date an unattractive person simply bechus they have a nice personality bechus if i'm not attracted , wht's the use ?


& then wht ?

slowing fading interest
& processing justifications .

i want to hate her , but i can't & i prolly shouldn't bechus wht she done isn't causing my hurt, it's just the catalyst of it . i tried to act as if i didn't care , i wanted that so bad - be carefree on the whole situation , but everytime when i take a minute to look at her page , think on past conversations between us - it hits me . i actually have to sit & remember , blah . i don't want to see her face , hear about her , let' alone speak to her occasionally but eh , i do for an odd reason . i guess i'm hoping one day , she'll ... just feel wht i'm feeling each day & shed one tear of the many i've shed , or maybe even an apology but then again , i'm jzt dhet , hoping bechus she has who she wants & i'm jzt teasing w . my own insecurities . letting go is easily said , & easily done w. the dying alarm of false caring , but i actually cared & unfortunately still do .

& still , i don't want to , so in the time that is to pass,

i'm simply
trying .


poetic bloodlines .

Gemineye is pretty fckin dopee . this is jzt pure genius .

" & God kept filling me and it felt like he was killing me , & i closed my arm tight and God snapped it back open & screamed “ you’re not yet ready to write ” he said “ tonight has just begun everything’s alright my son , yu see i need you , i use poetry to teach people . the world i created has been overrun by ignorant thinking & i need poets to take the world back and break the curse . now unbend your arm so i can give you William Wordsworth ”& again the pen was shoved in my veins & God grabbed the reigns & as if I was a mule , he said “ i use you as my tool and plow the field with you, fulfilling empty minds’ needs while planting knowledge seeds . no longer will there be a flourishing time for malnourishing minds . i want you to make intelligence a law cuz ignorance is a crime "


medias' drag .

so i'm sitting here listening to this drake & wayne joint & it's pretty stell . like drake has talent w. the lyrics , but he doesnt get his credit . but eh , whatever . i haven't posted in a while so i figured i would jzt bechus . im'a vent on some random ass irritations of mine & other shxt .

ight ight , so like stereotypes irritate me as i mentioned in a former blog . like why would you want to put your self in a category and try to " fit in " to perfection w. the requirements of that sterotype . persay , JOCKS are the " cool kids " at school or the PREPS , well in movies . but yeh , & like you see others basically begging to sit w. them at lunch or be in their " clique " . blah , i'm jzt saying - be yourself & vibe off your own hype , ya know?

& another thing that suffocates my nerves & jzt isnt for the hype , people w. the get money , go hard , swagger kidd epidemic . like yu have no job & you get $ 10 allowance or yu got a couple low bills in your pocket to save yu until yu get some more " gimmick money " - NEWSFLASH , that's stand still baby money . oh & jzt bechus yu walk around biting off the new " fad " & doing what yu think is cool for the moment doesnt approve yu as " go hard " . you're soft as an oven baked cookie in reality & jzt a follower of " trends " . same w. the supposely swagger kidds , if your kicks dusty and some " rip - offs " , then no , yu have no swagger . certain requirements need to be met to meet " swagger " title like basic shxt chus yu can have your own style going and that be your swagger , or whtever . yu jzt rock it and it looks stellar on yu then on someone else .
but if yu tryna rock wht eveyone else rocks & yu slackin , then dhet jzt snatches your swagger possibilites away anyway .

* jzt a few things that i've noticed w. people & their " procrastinating " & false self viewing . the media is corruption .

-;simplicityBangs .


new outlook .

* venting & shxt .

lately ; i'm feeling like fck feelings , tears & such . especially if they're wasted on someone who no longer matters , right ? right . true love is overcasted & this superficial love is over-rated much . " i love you " is thrown around with no type of relevance to it's true interior . bloop , eh jzt say i'm done with it for the moment . moving on - i'm feeling it for the rising generation , like ignorance seems to be " hip " & knowledge is overpowered . sooo not cool , i dare yu to be different , i stand out proudly . i can say i'm happy with life right now ; i'm conquering this journey with no problems & no one will fck it up . be easy .


yes .

yes , i've felt this for awhile now .

yes , its something yu don't know dhet causes me to " assume " things .

yes , she fckin did it before , but she's my " bro " .

yes , i should jzt tell yu .

yes , i've tried to explain .

& still , i get no where .

bechus in reality , im not sure these feelings can be put into words of understanding .

so next time , i randomly push yu away , i had my reasons

i jzt couldnt bring them to your attention .


emotional kill .

i once seen a quy convicted life for attempt of murder ; see - he didn't know how to leave with a clean slate . he had qiven her his all ; packaged into his beinq . she had the lock to his sanity ; the keyy to his everythinq . she cradle'd his life in the palms of her hands ; often letting it slip between her fingers - these were those times they had off & on ; your typical break-ups & make-ups . * she never once let it hit the qround until now ; this day she decides dhet she dosent want this ownaqe of him . * her words cutting deeper than her actions - " i still love yu ; forever will ; but i'm not at peace with [ us ) ; i'm leavinq - sry . " - he didn't understand how to accept this . his thouqhts were on froze ; ice box'd to a sudden death . his next steps were of no thouqht ; the qun set waitinq . he placed it in his hand ; his index finqer triqqer'd the qun so lovely - but somehow ; he missed . his wife ran to a neiqhbor's - dialed the police & they were there less then five minutes. where they found him sitting calmy ; caressing the gun he held . [ ... ) - see ; this man was convicted lifee because he attempt'd to take [ her ) life ; but she had already taken his emotionally over the years & was convicted nothinq . - are we attempt murderers for a common break-up ; are we mass murderers of the emotional kill ?