The Antagonist.

so yesterday ; she apologized for hurting me .
yes ; dhet's wht i wanted but shxt still doesnt feel right . maybe i'm jzt being stingy , but eh . now we're back on this " let's start over " again . this is the third time in counting .

eh , for now . it's good , we're friends & all - no true emotions are intact for her on my behalf , jzt that of a friend for the best , i wonder the outcome on this .

*ps : this is a somewhat continuing from a former blog labeled " & then wht " .

first & far most , i usually don't associate w. guys longer then 10 minutes ; phone wise , face to face wise , etc .

but unfortunately , that changed yesterday . i was having this conversation with this guy, jzt bechus he's madd cool and wht not . i mean , & it wasn't like one of those " man he's bugging me " type conversations, he is madd intelligent so it was pretty interesting . to the main point here tho, like we started discussing females & their preference mainly . most females , i did say most think the ideal type is the light - skinned , long haired , name brand wearing type , like the ones who are jzt the epitome of " sexy " , guys & " studs " since i'm including homosexual & bisexual women preference mostly too . so like, it got to that & the topic of most " gorgeous " women wouldn't give the one's outside of that " ideal person " the time of day . so like the guy & i are cuties , not like sexy and so on but we have personalities to die for , not all name brand shxt but not cheap shxt neither, but most girls would kind of look over us bechus the simple fact of we're not tip top " sexy " . i mean , we can pull those females , but only like after they've talked to us some & fell for our personality outside of their generalized looks .

this was random , but it " faced " my point . looks shouldn't dominate , although of course it still should be considered . like i wouldn't date an unattractive person simply bechus they have a nice personality bechus if i'm not attracted , wht's the use ?

slowing fading interest
& processing justifications .

i want to hate her , but i can't & i prolly shouldn't bechus wht she done isn't causing my hurt, it's just the catalyst of it . i tried to act as if i didn't care , i wanted that so bad - be carefree on the whole situation , but everytime when i take a minute to look at her page , think on past conversations between us - it hits me . i actually have to sit & remember , blah . i don't want to see her face , hear about her , let' alone speak to her occasionally but eh , i do for an odd reason . i guess i'm hoping one day , she'll ... just feel wht i'm feeling each day & shed one tear of the many i've shed , or maybe even an apology but then again , i'm jzt dhet , hoping bechus she has who she wants & i'm jzt teasing w . my own insecurities . letting go is easily said , & easily done w. the dying alarm of false caring , but i actually cared & unfortunately still do .

& still , i don't want to , so in the time that is to pass,

i'm simply trying .

Gemineye is pretty fckin dopee . this is jzt pure genius .

" & God kept filling me and it felt like he was killing me , & i closed my arm tight and God snapped it back open & screamed “ you’re not yet ready to write ” he said “ tonight has just begun everything’s alright my son , yu see i need you , i use poetry to teach people . the world i created has been overrun by ignorant thinking & i need poets to take the world back and break the curse . now unbend your arm so i can give you William Wordsworth ”& again the pen was shoved in my veins & God grabbed the reigns & as if I was a mule , he said “ i use you as my tool and plow the field with you, fulfilling empty minds’ needs while planting knowledge seeds . no longer will there be a flourishing time for malnourishing minds . i want you to make intelligence a law cuz ignorance is a crime "